destroy it? (as you do when you're bitter & jealous)consume it (you're life's so meaningless and dull that you need something to brighten it up)either way you kill itwhenever there is beauty will there always be the desire to interact with it in some way?are beauty and desire always connected?the Buddhists say that desire is the root of all suffering.surely all attempts to suppress the need to act upon that desire will cause pain also?i think the general Eastern philosophical outlook, the...*fuck me my ass hurts! stupid hard couchbed*so the Eastern outlook, or whatever, the enlightenment thing, is to say "just observe"how can you observe yourself when you are in pain?i know i'm in pain & why, i don;t have to observe it. it's all i can do. i don;t want to sit and dwell on it. i want the fuck out of it.so i run into pleasure... or at least i attempt to.isn't even the conscious act to attempt to "observe" the pain not also an attempt to escape?after all you've heard that that's the only way out is just to observe.*no-one's gonna read this anyway, why the fuck would you want to? it's fucking boring, and meaningless. it's not going to make you happy it's just me pathetically hoping that someone can solve this problem for me in the way that i want.... have a true friend? if that's possible... i'd probably just fuck it up anyway. this is bullshit... just rambling, killing time, living in the happy little illusion that this'll mean something, that it'll actually connect with the person i need it to. even if it did it wouldn;t last*i don't think there's anything i can do with this consciousness except make the same mistakes over and over...there needs to be a complete and utter change where there's nothing left of who i think i am.WELL!this killed some time... guess it was kinda enjoyable for a time...now what else can i do til i get some drugs...?who's to say drugs even work?to be honest i don't REALLY know what these guys lives were like... the Terence McKenna's, Alan Watts'...god knows how many artists & musicians...but were they completely happy?is anybody happy just to be alive?so perhaps life is just fuck & fight.i can't do either.jesus christ what's it come to when all you're saying is that you actually want to appreciate being alive?to not live in pain...or cause pain as so often happens.when i'm happy i don't give a fuck if you're in pain. i don't want to know, i don;t want to see it. "don't rain on my parade" as they say, "you're bringing me down"... i get that alot... and i do it too.well i feel better just for writing this...what now?oh yes, back to gathering moss and impotent rage.

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